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ADHD and rude behavior/back talking/lying
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I just joined the site and I am having some problems with my 12 year old son. His big ADHD symptom is impulse control, and I am just trying to figure out how some of his behaviors fit in with this. He has been on Vyvanse for the past 6 months and this has helped with focus in school. He is very smart, athletic and social so we are not having to deal with a lot of the issues that many other families are working with. He is definitely not meeting his potential in school, but is not doing horribly either. We have a lot of problems with late assignments and missing papers. My two main concerns right now are the issues of honesty and rudeness. He has had problems with lying and taking candy for years. I know that might sound silly, but we almost can't keep candy in our home. He will just take it whenever he can and then lies about it. I try to watch his diet extra carefully because of his ADHD. We are also having some problems with rudeness and back talking. He has to argue with everything that is said. I think this is becoming a problem with teachers and worry about him going to middle school. My husband thinks that this is something that he should be able to control and is unrelated to his ADHD. He wants to take away his sports because of some back talking to teachers. I need advice about any of these problems. I will try anything that might help. Thanks
Posted on 11/15/12, 09:56 pm
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Reply #1 - 11/16/12  9:54am
" You might also look into joining the Oppositional Defiant Disorder group board as well. They have some great advice there too. "
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Reply #2 - 11/16/12  10:59am
" My son is 7 and his back talking is also out of control. He is on Concerta now, and he was previously on Vyvanse. I had to take him off of the Vyvanse because it seemed to be causing extra emotions and anger (and we didn't need any more of that for sure). He is doing much better now and seems to be happier. But after his meds wear off he has a "come back" or just plain out argues with every single thing that is directed toward him. This drives me nuts! Most days I am patient and try my best to firmly tell him it is unacceptable to speak to me or any adult like that. Other days I end up yelling at him and then feel terrible. When he is on his meds he's a total sweetie. I can really relate to what you are going through. Getting his homework done is super challenging. "
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Reply #3 - 11/16/12  11:54am
" My son is 8 and and does all of that he is on Vyvanse. He wants to argue with everyone all the time and sometimes it just mentally draining for me to deal trying to understand him and not get mad because he can be very loud and rude. This is challenging for me as well because by time he comes home from school and I get off work the meds wear off and he is him again. "
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Reply #4 - 11/20/12  5:44am
" Hi,
It must be really tough to have a child going throug this!
Backchat and rudeness have always been a problem for me too! I have always been bad with controlling my tongue, whether it be talking back to teachers at school, swearing or meeting someone and halfway through a conversation just stopping them and saying 'i realky don't like you' (true story haha!). I cannot let arguments go, I have to have the last word! I have never been medicated, so I can't say from personal experience, but I have met people who were the same way and it subsided dramatically and they were a lot more pleasant when on meds. If he's not taking them that might help him too?
Good luck! "
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Reply #5 - 11/21/12  12:03pm
" My son is 7 and he has no medical diagnoses at this time but I work as a BSW with other kids in the district and I volunteer and children psychiatrict hospitals so I know the signs. My son when just playing a game in his room (Xbox) can be losing the game and will throw the whole system on the ground so hard and call it names (you stupid, you cheater, what the etc), I put him in flag foot ball thinking he needs something to channel this bottled up anger but on the field if he loses he will get so made he will try to hit another kid that scored are he will run off the field crying in anger. I was told by one teacher he will yell in class if he gets a problem wrong. I'm not sure if I'm dealing with ADHD are anger issues. He cant stop fidgeting with anything. rather it's his clothes, a toy anything. He sucks his finger to sooth him, which I hate. Can anyone tell me some early signs are does this sound fimiliar to any of your sons/daughters behaviors. If I talk to him to try to redirect him it works for 30 mins are less. "
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Reply #6 - 11/21/12  3:28pm
" My son's back talking almost seems unintentional at times. He argues almost like an adult. He does have to get the last word in and has an answer to everything, but he isn't really angry and doesn't use bad language. The vyvanse has worked very well for him in school, I see a difference in his ability to learn. He can actually remember the stuff he was taught in school that day. It is so hard because we all have to remember that these ADHD kids are still kids. They are still having to learn and grow, and it is hard to tell what is appropriate kid stuff and what is due to the lack of impulse control. That is the hardest thing for my son, and I think that is part of the back talking. I do think sports have been really good for him. When he was younger he had a harder time paying attention and would goof around during practice. As he has gotten older and grown to love sports, I think they are the best thing for him. He is often one of the most focused kids on the team, and any practice at focusing is good for him. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. "
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Reply #7 - 11/24/12  12:19am
" The talking back with these kids is common, but can lead to more difficulties. He needs to know he can not do that to you. It is hard, because you do not know when its the medicine, or his frustration. He is frustrated, because its not fair what he is facing. But, letting him know he has parents with boundaries he can not cross may anger him at first, but will give him security for facing his challenges. Its been my experience that the ups and downs make me struggle with maintaining those boundaries. But, there are lots of good resources on how to deal effectively with defiant behavior. I wish I could remember the book I liked so much. There are some out I do not like at all. See what works with your parenting style. I tend to like the ones that teach you how to slow down, and be very matter of fact, and give the consequences necessary to establish the boundaries without emotionalizing the scenario. I also am not a fan of spanking. I think clear descriptions of infractions without argument work best. I try to resist the temptation to argue, and simply be clear about what the consequence is for and why. I do not ever use guilt. I just set clear expectations. I am not perfect at this please know, but I have found it helps immensely. Good Luck! "
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Reply #8 - 11/24/12  2:02am
" Don't think the backtalking has anything to do with ADHD. He may be unhappy, there are other problems, but there are plenty of smart aleck kids without ADHD. ADHD involved forgetfulness and not doing things, talking back reflects a decision to do something.

I would not take away sports. That may require discipline cooperation, the talents you are trying to teach. I allowed a disqualification based on grades and it was a big mistake and sent my son into a downspin. You want to give positive influences which provide discipline.

Do work on improving school performance. I agree your son could control backtalking and he seems to be unhappy or angry things having nothing to do with ADHD. I would try to promote a closer relationship and try to learn what he is angry about.

If candy is a problem, take it out of the house, and eat it outside if need be. "
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Reply #9 - 11/25/12  1:11am
" I want to support what Andy has said regarding the sports. I really believe taking away extracurricular activities is not beneficial in general to these kids. They need a place where they see results and can feel effective. Understanding their strengths and encouraging them is so important, because other areas of their life are incredible challenges. I also agree with trying, if you have not already, to develop a closer relationship to understand the root of the anger. I also agree that talking back is definitely not a symptom of ADD. Unfortunately the frustration of dealing with ADD can be overwhelming and lead to difficult emotions. I am reminded at how upset I was recently when the school assumed my daughter was being distant because she is playing as though she is having these difficulties. They doubt me even though the testing is thoroughly documented. I was surprised she had been "huffy" with one of her tutors about how to do an assignment. I told the tutor she never treated anyone outside her family at home like that. She has always been seen as shy by her teachers. Her response was that she was "just a typical ADD kid". We can never assume that about any child. I have it myself, and I am surprised I did not catch myself.

My thinking is this, when I was a kid, my anger was so great toward the situation. I wanted so badly for someone to understand that it eventually turned inward and became depression. I really do think the anger is so real. I can not say what your son is angry about, but I would honor his feelings. And, of course one can do that without honoring the behavior. So, please, good luck to you and all of us who try to bring out the best in our amazing children and ourselves. "
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Reply #10 - 11/25/12  1:15am
" Whoops, I got his name wrong. But, I was responding to the statement preceding my last. "

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