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Discussion:
Husband not making money
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Hi, I am new to this group. I have been married for almost 10 years to a man with ADD. I sought out a diagnosis for him about 7 years ago when I was at my wits end and ready to divorce him. Since then, he has been sporadically medicated (he forgets to take the meds half the time) and there have been some periods of normalcy to our marriage.

I found this site today because I am so stressed out about my husband's inability to hold down a job and make money. He has been unemployed for nearly 6 years of our 10 years of marriage. Now he is trying his hand at selling real estate. I don't know if he will ever be truly successful at it, but so far, he has not made a profit in two years.

I have to pay all of the bills for the entire household and he uses his small VA disability to fund his real estate business. It never seems to be enough money and he is always asking me for extra money. I can barely make ends meet and I really resent him for what he is putting our family through. I have been begging him for two years to get a part-time job to supplement, but he refuses.

I contemplate divorcing him, but I can't bear to do that to my daughter. Is there any hope?
Posted on 07/23/12, 03:19 pm
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Reply #1 - 07/23/12  3:30pm
" I can't say if his lack of working is due to adhd, I am not dx with ADHD but I use supplements that are meant for adhd and I have seen improvements. However, I have worked steadily since age 10. The first big company I worked for closed there doors--I was there for over 10 yrs, the current job I have 7 yrs.

If he is taking Jobs that he has no interest in then that could be a huge problem. You may want to consider his hobbies or his likes and see if he could get a job in those fields.

My brother in law is a career student, his wife is the bread winner of the family and she comes from a very well to do family, so how they tolerate him, I don't know. If your hubby is contributing to the family in other ways I would say cut him some slack, but if he is like my brother in law--a lazy piece of crap--then I would say--HI HO HI HO it's off to work I go--give him the boot. Maybe if he realizes what he's lost he would come around. I wouldn't blame his poor job choices on ADD alone-- "
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Reply #2 - 07/23/12  3:47pm
" Maybe I attribute too much to his ADD, but he cannot make himself do something he does not want to do. If something inspires him, like real estate, he'll through himself into it. When I married him, he worked for a home improvement store and had just been promoted to supervisor. Then he started getting written up because he didn't get projects done on time. He complained to me that his employees didn't get their stuff done and I would tell him that it was his job to follow up with them. He disagreed. He should tell them once and it should be done "no question". He still didn't get it when I told him that he was only a supervisor because the people under him needed supervision - and he was not doing that. He didn't get it and quit right before they would have fired him.

I can't get into the details of every single job he has ever botched, but if he conducts himself at work the way he does at home, I would have fired him, too!

He only helps out at home if he is inspired or if we have had an argument over something. It took about 7 years to get him to take the trash out regularly. He was always surprised by trash day - even though it is the same day every week - and he always complains that "they pick the most inconvenient day of the week". And stand back when there is a holiday during the week and they pick up one day late. You would think they had run over the dog or something. His brain just can't handle it. "
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Reply #3 - 07/24/12  7:17am
" This may seem like a strange question but have you considered him being an adult with learning disabilities? The reason I say this is because many adults are misdiagnosed as ADD/HD when they actually have brain impairments other then ADD/HD. Food intolerances, chemical imbalances can contribute to symptoms similiar to ADD/HD.

If he's not taking anything maybe he should try synaptol because that helps me focus and be more on my A game at work. There is also something new on the market called Procera AVH--that might be worth trying as well. "
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Reply #4 - 07/24/12  8:52am
" Please don't assume that your husband's issues are ADHD and rule out other possibilities, such as frontotemporal degeneration (FTD) --> http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/h...

The husbands of two friends of mine have this disorder, and it presents similar to ADHD in some ways, but cannot be resolved in similar ways. Both were fired from multiple jobs and spent time unemployed before diagnosis.

I am not saying this is *not* ADHD, but I will say that it does not sound like *just* ADHD. "
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Reply #5 - 07/24/12  10:26am
" Sowle - I had not considered learning disabilities. He started school early and skipped a grade, graduating at 16. He went on to college, but never finished, until he married me and I convinced him to do an accelerated program. He finished easily and got his BA degree at 44.

He reads quite a bit, but never fiction. He prefers self help, money, politics or his hobbies to read about. He watches a lot of TV and a lot of those shows are history, documentaries, biographies, etc.

He is very intelligent, keeping up on current events, politics and hockey. However, when it comes to finding his keys in the morning, you would think he was brain dead.

So, no I had not considered other possibilities, since most of his problems seem to align well with an ADD diagnosis.

He was taking Wellbrutrin, but he is terrible at remembering to take it and I don't think he ever remembered to take the second pill. That seems to do more harm than good, because I believe it caused more anger outbursts than when he was not medicated at all.

He was off meds completely for a couple of months now and has just started Zoloft. Perhaps I need to take a giant chill pill and see if this gets us any benefit. The fact that he only has to take one pill each day is promising. He may actually be able to remember to take it as prescribed. "
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Reply #6 - 07/24/12  10:42am
" Strongresilientme - I read the article, but I don't think that describes my husband. It's difficult to put everything in a short email and I know that I focused mainly on his lack of income in my first post, but there are so many other things that certainly seem to be ADD related.

I mentioned in another post that he had been off of Wellbutrin for several months and had just started Zoloft this week. A few weeks before starting Zoloft, here's what happened in just one week.

Monday - he couldn't find his keys and I had to come home from work to either, find the keys or take my daughter to summer camp and then come home and find the keys. Of course there was an argument during this process.

Wednesday - he locked himself out of the house. I had to come home from work and let him in.

Thursday - I came home to find the 5lb toy poodle had been left outside most of the day. He's an indoor dog!

Three times that week, I was the first one up to let the dog out and found the key hanging in the back door, unlocked all night long.

Saturday - he ran to Home Depot to buy something he needed to fix the front step. He forgot his wallet at home. The second trip to Home Depot his card wouldn't work because he had overdrafted his account. I was at swimming lessons with my daughter, so luckily, I did not get dragged into it.

Sunday morning - I got up to find one of the burners of the stove left on all night. Thankfully is was on low!

These are all things I have learned to live with over 10 years, but the lack of income is what pushes me over the edge. "
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Reply #7 - 07/24/12  12:26pm
" There are so many things that can cause memory issues--b12 deficiency, stress, other medical issues--Has he been to a dr lately to have himself checked out? When my b-12 was so deficient I couldn't remember what I did seconds from doing it. I locked myself out of the house so many times that we started hiding a key, I forgot where the key was so we put a combo box on the side of the deck--used a number we all could remember. Now that my b-12 levels are better I am not so forgetful, nor am I suffering from so much brain fog. I do use the synaptol though just keep my mind focused and more attentive. I still have some memory issues, but in my case since I suffered 3 head trauma's from car accidents they say it's from that. My neurologist believes it's from Gluten Ataxia--soooooooooo who knows--I just keep plugging along. "
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Reply #8 - 07/24/12  1:15pm
" He just got an annual physical from the VA. I don't know exactly what they check for, but that's where he gets all of his healthcare. I wish he would let me come to the appointments with him, especially the ADD appointments, but he won't. I don't really know what he discusses with the Dr. or what he thinks is important enough to mention.

He had been taking a multi-vitamin. I could check to see if he is still doing that and if not, suggest that he start again. It's something to consider. Thanks. "
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Reply #9 - 07/25/12  5:05am
" I am not sure if this is all ADHD. with your husband. You mentioned the V.A. hospital....He could have some brain issues....I t really can be stressful for the spouse. He needs to have tests done, because, I think there is more to this then meets the eye...Does he want to take his meds.? Does he like the way his life is now? I am concerned because he let the dog out of the house, and he is not a outside dog....The oven thing...Why does'nt he want to take a part-time Job? There comes a time when we have to accept responsibility for our actions, even when we have a disorder...Will he go with you to see a therapist? It sounds like you are at the end of your rope...Please write me back, I really want to help you, it sounds like you are unhappy, and you are justified to feel this way. Hugs!!! "
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Reply #10 - 07/25/12  11:27am
" My husband was in the Marine Corps for 10 years, 1977 - 1987, but that was before I met him. He has a disability, but not combat related. As far as I know he was in supply requisition and never had to kill anyone, if that is what you are thinking.

Over the years, he has become more open to using medication. If he takes it regularly, he can see the benefit. If he's off of it, he thinks he's fine. It takes me pointing out that he has yelled at me, the child or the dog at least once a day for a week over piddly little things for him to come to his senses and acknowledge that he has been forgetting to take his medication and it really does help.

He does not want to get a part-time job, because he does not feel it is necessary. He can tolerate living on the brink of financial ruin much more than I can. It would be hard for him to get a job - hard because it would require more than he's doing now, hard because he has job-hopped so much that no one wants to consider him as a viable candidate, hard because he's kind of lazy, hard because he wants to be seen as a successful real estate agent and as long as no one knows otherwise - the facade is true and if he gets a job, everyone would know that he's not successful.

And then there is the best reason of all - why go to all the trouble of getting a job when my wife pays all the bills anyway!

We have been to a therapist in the past - to save our marriage, so I suppose he might go again, but I barely have money left for groceries, let alone paying a therapist. "

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